I need to let some things go today.

As Dylan Thomas apparently said after his first trans-atlantic flight:

I’m exhausted from trying to hold the plane up in the air.

In addition to the usual stress of keeping all of the many balls in my life up in the air, I’ve been really feeling the exhaustion and teariness that come to me this time of year.

It’s hard work to get up, it’s hard work to sit at my desk, it’s hard work to think about eating something, it’s hard work to figure out what to wear. Sometimes it seems so hard that it just makes me want to cry. My body gets tense from all of the mental effort and sadness, and I have to remind myself to breathe. I get into a cycle of feeling crappy, worrying about how I’m going to get my work done because I feel crappy, then I start beating myself up about the possibility of not having money to pay the bills and letting people down, and then I feel even crappier. Great, right?

I literally need to take a breather.

I’m going to try to be more like this girl today (below…me at 6 or 7 maybe?) Just kind of messy and happy and hanging out. I look amazingly ok with everything, including my shag haircut (which is saying something.) Plus, it looks like I had something yummy to eat and left some of it on my face and that is never a bad idea.

Messy happy girl

So…Rachel’s be present list for today:

Step one: A 10-minute meditation on my cushion, just listening to the Prayer of Saint Francis.

Step two: Yoga class at 9:30 (it’s an exercise in letting go for me to just abandon my laptop for the two hours it takes to make the class a priority.) Plus, I’m not very flexible so I have to let go of my vanity to do this in front of other people, big time.

Step three: Breath as prayer throughout the day. God, remind me to breathe. God, remind me to let go.

Step four: Try to have a little fun. Should be more than a little possible with Anna Dvorak coming over today. And Ben, Jen and Gabe arriving from Toronto this evening. Plus, opportunities for Monkey Dancing are only 2 days away.

I hope I feel just a bit better by tonight. I probably will.