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truth & proof

Approximately 16 years ago, one of my closest friends–

Well actually she turned out to not be one of my closest friends. Rather, she had come to view me as an obstacle to her desired “friendship” with my husband, who thankfully was not interested in trading me for her–

Anyway this “friend” looked at me and said the following:

You will never be well, because you want to be sick.

At the time I was living with a myriad of symptoms for which there seemed to be no clear diagnosis, though the word “lupus” was being bandied about confidently by my rheumatologist, who also assured me that I only had further physical deterioration to look forward to in the years to come. I was 25.

So when this friend–who obviously was not my friend–to whom I had freely given my heart and with whom I had opened up my life, said those words to me, it devastated me. It was like a punch in the stomach. A gunshot through my heart. A poisonous dart in my mind.

My deepest fear–which had surfaced and been pushed back down and surfaced again over the years–was that she was right.

One of my most entrenched beliefs was that everyone else knew better. That everyone else was better.

I, on the other hand, was:

Fundamentally flawed.

Always wrong.

Hopeless.

Powerless.

Destined to be sick.

Because the cause of all of my failures and shortcomings was undoubtedly my inherent worthlessness.

And this fear clung on deep, deep down for dear life until I yanked and clawed it out and spoke it out loud in a safe space. A safe place where someone honest and loving and Godly could repeat the actual truth to me. She repeated it over and over, until finally I began to believe her.

It dawned on me: Perhaps I had been living with a lie.

The friend–who was not a friend–was very wrong.

She had told ugly, ugly lies.

And I was vulnerable. So I took the ugly, ugly lies in and gave them a swanky place to live. I let them spread out and make themselves at home and they even invited more lying, cheating friends in.

I didn’t know how to distinguish truth from a lie.

And I did not set out to prove her wrong, but my life today declares loudly the truth about me:

I am more whole than I ever imagined I could be.

I am beautiful.

I am loved.

I am filled to the brim with potential.

I am at my best when I am sharing my authentic self to the fullest extent.

I am joyful and well and strong and courageous.

And you are all of those things too.

So hold your head high.

No matter what anyone else says or thinks.

Believe me.

I have lived with lies too and I am telling you the truth.

Your life will prove it out.

Rachel sigxo