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I wish

I have been feeling depressed again.

The paralyzing sadness when I awake in the morning

and in the middle of the night.

The exhaustion of thinking what to wear

what day it might be

and where to find my things.

Of how to put one foot in front of the other.

The indescribable relief of getting into bed

with fans on so that I block out all of the world’s noise

pulling the sheets and blankets up to my chin

and tucking my sensitive soul in.

Turning off the phone, putting away the laptop

allowing the cat to cuddle close,

letting my body sink into the mattress.

Accepting the panic that rises in my chest

and in my throat throughout the day

as I chase around the hows and whys and

whens of all that I have to do and how to appear

the same competent and caring woman to all of

the people I will surely see.

To think about a problem that needs to be solved

to focus on a project that has to be completed

to make a decision that cannot be put off.

I have always found heavy falling rain to be

an apt metaphor for my depression,

the relentless heaviness of the sky

the ache of the full gray clouds

the disconnect between me and beloveds

because I cannot see and touch and feel

through the thick wall of water.

And so, this image. These words sent to me by Beth.

Please don’t feel that you need to say or do anything.

I wish I could make it go away too.

For me and for others who are grieving and sad.

I am a veteran of this war and I know that there are times when

my body is simply doing what my mind cannot do.

There is often no tidy explanation for why this takes hold.

For now it is enough to share these feelings

and to allow for some places of extreme tenderness

in my day and to rest and to be.

Rachel– xo