I have been feeling depressed again.
The paralyzing sadness when I awake in the morning
and in the middle of the night.
The exhaustion of thinking what to wear
what day it might be
and where to find my things.
Of how to put one foot in front of the other.
The indescribable relief of getting into bed
with fans on so that I block out all of the world’s noise
pulling the sheets and blankets up to my chin
and tucking my sensitive soul in.
Turning off the phone, putting away the laptop
allowing the cat to cuddle close,
letting my body sink into the mattress.
Accepting the panic that rises in my chest
and in my throat throughout the day
as I chase around the hows and whys and
whens of all that I have to do and how to appear
the same competent and caring woman to all of
the people I will surely see.
To think about a problem that needs to be solved
to focus on a project that has to be completed
to make a decision that cannot be put off.
I have always found heavy falling rain to be
the relentless heaviness of the sky
the ache of the full gray clouds
the disconnect between me and beloveds
because I cannot see and touch and feel
through the thick wall of water.
And so, this image. These words sent to me by Beth.
Please don’t feel that you need to say or do anything.
I wish I could make it go away too.
For me and for others who are grieving and sad.
I am a veteran of this war and I know that there are times when
my body is simply doing what my mind cannot do.
There is often no tidy explanation for why this takes hold.
For now it is enough to share these feelings
and to allow for some places of extreme tenderness
in my day and to rest and to be.